Let’s Talk Honestly About Marriage, Sex, and Spiritual Health

Last night, I listened to a podcast that deeply stirred my heart and mind regarding the state of marriage in America. The husband on the show shared something startling: over the course of one year, he initiated intimacy with his wife 365 times. She said yes only 61 times.

As I watched/listened, you could see the pain written all over his face—he looked defeated, emotionally drained, and hollow. Meanwhile, his wife laughed as if the situation were humorous. That contrast hit me like a freight train.

It made me start doing the math. If he initiated intimacy every single day and was only met with a positive response 61 times, that means for ten out of twelve months of the year, there was nothing happening between them sexually. Now think about that in different terms: “I’m married, but we’re physically intimate only two months out of the year.” That’s the reality many couples silently endure.

According to Men’s Health, the national average for married couples is about once a week—around 52 times a year. But what happens when even that modest benchmark isn’t met? What are the emotional, spiritual, and physical consequences for both the husband and wife?

I started digging deeper. A study published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences found that men initiate sex three times more often than women. But here's the kicker: when women initiate, sexual activity is more likely to happen. That tells us something important—women often set the tone and pace for sexual intimacy in a marriage.

Here’s another staggering statistic: the average married man watches pornography between 7.5 and 25 minutes per day—which adds up to 1 to 3 hours a week. Now combine that with the reality that many of these men are being turned down repeatedly by their wives, and you begin to see a very troubling pattern.

Let me be absolutely clear to the men: being lonely or sexually frustrated is NOT an excuse to look at porn. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28 that even looking at a woman with lust is adultery. If you're doing this, you are in sin. Repent. Confess. Get help. It’s serious.

But now, let’s talk to the women. The Bible is equally clear in 1 Corinthians 7:5:

“Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Let that sink in. Scripture gives only one reason to refrain from sex in marriage: mutual agreement for focused prayer, and even then, it's for a limited time. Afterward, Paul says, you must come back together—why? So Satan doesn’t get a foothold.

If we’re going to call out men for sinning with pornography (and we must), then we also need to be honest about the sin of sexual neglect in marriage. A wife’s consistent refusal to come together with her husband, outside of the biblical exception above, is disobedience to God's Word. That, too, requires repentance.

Ladies, God designed men to desire sex. That’s not toxic masculinity—it’s divine wiring. Studies show that husbands who have sex more regularly are healthier, less stressed, and more emotionally connected to their wives. When a wife prioritizes intimacy, it strengthens the bond and builds lasting trust and joy. The bottom line is this: God created sex to be a gift, not a burden. Don’t buy into the cultural lie that treats sex within marriage as something to dread or dismiss.

Now, I realize there are real cases of trauma, brokenness, and deep marital pain. Some of you reading this may feel completely disconnected from your spouse. If that’s you, I’m not here to shame you—I’m here to call you to hope. If you're in a struggling marriage, get help. There are godly counselors, pastors, and mentors who can walk with you through healing. Don’t stay stuck.

But what if you started by simply prioritizing intimacy again? Not out of obligation or guilt—but out of a desire to rebuild what’s been broken. What if you began setting aside time each week for intentional closeness, communication, and connection?

I truly believe it could transform your marriage in ways you never imagined.

Let’s fight for our marriages. Let’s obey God’s Word. Let’s stop settling for cold, disconnected co-existence and choose instead to build something that reflects Christ’s love and covenant.